The Hall of Turtles

There are little turtles painted on the floor of the pediatric intensive care unit. "Turtles survived the Earth's ages of ice and continue to flourish. ", turtles are the "symbol of the primal mother", and others believe the turtle is associated with longevity, great age, and wisdom.

So, I guess it's fitting that the marker to Jack's room has a little turtle next to the number 17. He has survived so much...his own little ice age. The nurses are all like mothers, with a refreshing and seemingly innate desire to care for and love the children that are in PICU. I hope too that Jack is like a turtle. I pray that he will have longevity and great age. I can look in his young little eyes and see a wisdom that can only come from the places that he has been in such a short period of time. My little man, I love you so.

His little lips have been pursed, his eyes streaming with tears. He's miserable, and I can't help. He crackles and wheezes, cries in pain. But, he has his little moments when he smiles and his dimples come through and the light in his eyes shines. I live for those.

It's hard enough to stand by and watch helplessly, hold him while he cries; but it almost takes my breath away when he's looking for me to rescue him while they stick an IV, suction, do a procedure and I can't.

I think if you have more than 2 children, you should automatically get a clone of yourself to bring out of the closet in certain situations. Yesterday, Jack was in one hospital while Emery was in another. I was faced with a choice I would prefer to not be faced with. I had to choose which child to stay with, which child needed me more. Neither of them would have known the difference, but I did. I had to choose Jack. I had to choose Jack over Emery. He was sicker, yes, Emery had her daddy and family, but I still had to choose and I couldn't choose both.

I would give the world to hold all of my children, and give them all lots of hugs and kisses. But I'll take one day at a time. I can't hold them all, if they aren't all at home.

As much as I can't stand the mis-matched carpet, the awful wallpaper, ancient drapery and lack of a coastal breeze, I'd pay a million dollars to sit on that old carpet with my babies, all together, and just breath.

Coming from a girl who never wanted to be married, and certainly never wanted children, I absolute, positively can't wait to kiss my husband and laugh with my babies.